Laurel Green’s Ill-Advised 25 Cryptocurrency Experiment

WARNING: Laurel Green isn’t a financial advisor. Do not listen to any of Laurel’s financial advice, or, really, any of her advice in general. Laurel Green is for entertainment purposes only.

On May 23, 2021, after a week of falling, almost every cryptocurrency, except for the ones tethered to fiat currency (stablecoins like USDT), took yet another huge crash. And, I thought to myself, Laurel, what better time to “buy the dip”? This had to be the floor for the majority of these cryptocurrencies… right? I decided to invest around $20 CAD in 25 different cryptocurrencies and see what happened.

I have never invested ever in my life and I barely understand the blockchain and cryptocurrency. This was obviously a good plan.

So, anyway, here is my portfolio of meme coins and nonsense:

  • What is ANKR (ANKR)? – Ankr is a utility token on the Ethereum network that is used to pay for staking and services on the Ankr platform. The Ankr platform is used for deploying blockchain nodes for a cheaper price than on public providers.
  • Why did you buy ANKR (ANKR)? – It might be a disruptive technology. Staking nodes sure sounds disruptive.
  • How much ANKR (ANKR) did you buy? – 164.9 ANKR @ 0.10043 USDT per 1 ANKR or ~16.56091 USDT (~$19.96 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – The Ankr website mentions web3 all over it which doesn’t actually mean anything specific and I don’t like it.
Cardano (ADA)
  • What is Cardano (ADA)? – Cardano is a decentralized proof-of-stake blockchain platform on the Binance Smart Chain. And then there’s of buzzwords about bringing the power to individuals to enable global change and whatnot.
  • Why did you buy Cardano (ADA)? – Proof-of-stake is supposed to be better for the environment than proof-of-work. It uses much less energy than the Bitcoin blockchain.
  • How much Cardano (ADA) did you buy? – 12.46 ADA @ 0.75076202 USDT per 1 ADA or ~16.5964708 USDT (~$20.00 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Do people care enough about the environmental factors to consider Cardano over Ethereum?
Binance Coin (BNB)
  • What is Binance Coin (BNB)? – Binance coin Binance’s very own utility token on their very own Binance Smart Chain. It’s used for paying fees on their cryptocurrency market app.
  • Why did you buy Binance Coin (BNB)? – Unless Binance folds or is regulated out of existence, their cryptocurrency should increase in value as their app gains more users.
  • How much Binance Coin (BNB) did you buy? – 0.065 BNB @ 0.00390924 USDT per 1 BNB or ~16.62726 USDT (~$20.03 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Is Binance actually the best platform for trading crypto on, or should I be using Kraken?
Basic Attention Token (BAT)
  • What is Basic Attention Token (BAT)? – Basic Attention Token is the Brave Browser’s utility token on the Ethereum network. It’s used for buying ads that are displayed in the Brave browser and to pay users for viewing those ads.
  • Why did you buy Basic Attention Token (BAT)? – I use the Brave browser every day.
  • How much Basic Attention Token (BAT) did you buy? – 30.62 BAT @ 1.8250906 BAT per 1 USDT or ~16.77724916 USDT (~$20.22 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Are the rumours about BAT being allowed in the near-future as a currency on Amazon true? I’ve seen several Amazon ads pop up on my browser.
Bitcoin (BTC)
  • What is Bitcoin (BTC)? – Bitcoin is the OG proof-of-work blockchain currency. (Not really)
  • Why did you buy Bitcoin (BTC)? – It was a big dip and Bitcoin should keep increasing in price as more people and institutions adopt it. Paypal and credit cards are already allowing things to be payed for with Bitcoin.
  • How much Bitcoin (BTC) did you buy? – 0.000492 BTC @ 0.00002973 BTC per 1 USDT or ~16.5498468 USDT (~$19.94 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Will China actually completely ban Bitcoin and Bitcoin mining in the near future?
Bitcoin Cash (BCH)
  • What is Bitcoin Cash (BCH)? – Bitcoin Cash is an altcoin fork off of Bitcoin. It’s specifically supposed to be used like fiat currency to pay for goods and services, while requiring no banks and being decentralized.
  • Why did you buy Bitcoin Cash (BCH)? – I’ve heard from multiple people who I trust that Bitcoin Cash is undervalued.
  • How much Bitcoin Cash (BCH) did you buy? – 0.031 BCH @ 0.00186602 BCH per 1 USDT or ~16.612931 USDT (~$20.02 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Will they print a physical form of Bitcoin Cash that I can put into people’s birthday cards?
BitTorrent (BTT)
  • What is BitTorrent (BTT)? – BitTorrent Token is BitTorrent’s utility token on the TRON blockchain. It is used by peer-to-peer torrent apps to pay for things like faster download speeds.
  • Why did you buy BitTorrent (BTT)? – I’ve pirated so many things on BitTorrent over the years, I thought that I should give something back.
  • How much BitTorrent (BTT) did you buy? – 5071 BTT @ 305.515 BTT per 1 USDT or ~16.59819436 USDT (~$20.00 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – It’s adorable how BitTorrent keeps trying to rebrand itself as something for legitimate use, instead of mainly piracy.
  • What is Chainlink (LINK)? – Chainlink is a Ethereum token network that is used to link off-blockchain data to blockchain networks for use in things like smart contracts.
  • Why did you buy Chainlink (LINK)? – I think the technology is interesting.
  • How much ANKR Chainlink (LINK) did you buy? – 0.821389 LINK @ 0.04960785 LINK per 1 USDT or ~16.5576416 USDT (~$19.95 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Nobody knows what an XML feed is, their brains will probably explode trying to wrap their minds around one being connected to the blockchain.
PancakeSwap (CAKE)
  • What is PancakeSwap (CAKE)? – PancakeSwape is Binance’s BEP20 token swapping market on their very own Binance Smart Chain. You can stake your BEP20 tokens and earn rewards and junk.
  • Why did you buy PancakeSwap (CAKE)? – Yum cake!
  • How much PancakeSwap (CAKE) did you buy? – 1.298 CAKE @ 12.780 CAKE per 1 USDT or ~16.58844 USDT (~$19.99 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – What exactly is the point of swapping a useless meme coin for a different useless meme coin? I don’t know, but it sure seems like fun!
Dash (DASH)
  • What is Dash (DASH)? – Dash is an altcoin fork off of Litecoin. Supposedly it can be used to make faster transactions than Bitcoin and it was a dark web favourite for a time.
  • Why did you buy Dash (DASH)? – I like to see how Dash performs as compared to Bitcoin and Litecoin.
  • How much Dash (DASH) did you buy? – 0.110293 DASH @ 0.00668029 DASH per 1 USDT or ~16.51020034 USDT (~$19.89 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Remember DashCon? That was pretty funny. Someone should use their DASH to buy a ball pit.
Dogecoin (DOGE)
  • What is Dogecoin (DOGE)? -Dogecoin is the most popular meme coin. It’s mostly used for pumping and dumping.
  • Why did you buy Dogecoin (DOGE)? – I wanted to be cool like all of the crypto bros.
  • How much Dogecoin (DOGE) did you buy? – 55.5041 DOGE @ 3.3210014 DOGE per 1 USDT or ~16.71306157 USDT (~$20.14 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Hey future generations, we were too busy disrupting the world’s economy with stupid memes to fix anything. Sorry about the unbreathable air and lack of potable water. ROLFcopter
Ethereum (ETH)
  • What is Ethereum (ETH)? – The Ethereum network is Bitcoin’s biggest rival. It’s the main currency that MetaMask uses, and, thus, most application that connect to MetaMask mainly use Ethereum, too. A lot of alternative currencies like BAT run on the Ethereum blockchain. Most NFTs are Ethereum contracts. Ethereum has been claiming that they’re about to transition to proof-of-stake for years.
  • Why did you buy Ethereum (ETH)? – As more people and applications start using Ethereum, the price should keep going up.
  • How much Ethereum (ETH) did you buy? – 0.008 ETH @ 0.00047731 ETH per 1 USDT or ~16.76072 USDT (~$20.20 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – My CryptoKitties will exist on the Ethereum blockchain forever, but will they ever be worth anything ever again?
Ethereum Classic (ETC)
  • What is Ethereum Classic (ETC)? – Ethereum Classic was the original form of Ethereum, before it was hit by three 51% hacks and had millions of dollars stolen.
  • Why did you buy Ethereum Classic (ETC)? – I want to see how Ethereum Classic performs as compared to Ethereum.
  • How much Ethereum Classic (ETC) did you buy? – 0.325 ETC @ 51.037 ETC per 1 USDT or ~16.587025 USDT (~$19.99 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Will Ethereum Classic get hacked again? …could I hack Ethereum Classic?
Filecoin (FIL)
  • What is Filecoin (FIL)? – Filecoin is the currency used to pay for things on Filecoin’s decentralized storage network. Users use Filecoin to rent space on a peer-to-peer network, thus, Filcoin works on proof-of-spacetime where miners must prove that they have available disk space for people to use.
  • Why did you buy Filecoin (FIL)? – I like the idea of taking cloud storage out of the hands of huge corporations like Amazon and putting it into the hands of the people.
  • How much Filecoin (FIL) did you buy? – 0.2580 FIL @ 64.32 FIL per 1 USDT or ~16.59456 USDT (~$20.00 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Do I really trust my data in the hands of a rando, no matter how encrypted it is or how many backups there are?
FunToken (FUN)
  • What is FunToken (FUN)? – FUNToken is an ERC-20 on the Ethereum blockchain. It’s used for gambling and gaming.
  • Why did you buy FunToken (FUN)?You’re right, Milhouse. Fun is fun.
  • How much FunToken (FUN) did you buy? – 853 FUN @ 0.019446 FUN per 1 USDT or ~16.587438 USDT (~$19.99 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – The Bible forbids gambling! Also, this seems like the type of thing that governments would really bring the hammer down on regulating.
Litecoin (LTC)
  • What is Litecoin (LTC)? – Litecoin is an altcoin fork off of Bitcoin. It processes block in 2.5 minutes instead of 10, so transactions are much faster.
  • Why did you buy Litecoin (LTC)? – I’ve had both Bitcoin and Ethereum transactions take an intolerable amount of time, so anybody whose goal is to make transactions faster is alright in my book.
  • How much Litecoin (LTC) did you buy? – 0.12 LTC @ 0.00719321 LTC per 1 USDT or ~16.6824 USDT (~$20.10 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – How about that name? “Lite” is usually used to denote the shareware version of something. Does that make Litecoin seem chintzy?
Monero (XMR)
  • What is Monero (XMR)? – Monero is a proof-of-work currency with privacy and anonymity as its highest priorities.
  • Why did you buy Monero (XMR)? – A lot of people like to use cryptocurrency to get up to weird stuff and a privacy-focused currency could prove popular to them, so they can hide their horrible shame.
  • How much Monero (XMR) did you buy? – 0.07352 XMR @ 225.76 XMR per 1 USDT or ~16.5978752 USDT (~$20.00 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Newcomers to cryptocurrency may not know this, but blockchains, for the most part, have public ledgers, and anyone with your wallet address can input it into websites like, or and see the transactions you’ve made.
Polkadot (DOT)
  • What is Polkadot (DOT)? – The Polkadot protocol aims to facilitate inter-chain interoperability. A use case for this would be something like an event on one blockchain triggering a payment on another.
  • Why did you buy Polkadot (DOT)? – Can’t we all just get along?
  • How much Polkadot (DOT) did you buy? – 0.943943 DOT @ 0.05674982 DOT per 1 USDT or ~16.63340839 USDT (~$20.04 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – I’m going to use a side-chain to connect Bitcoin to my butt.
Polygon (MATIC)
  • What is Polygon (MATIC)? – Polygon is a layer 2 solution and sidechain to Ethereum scaling with aims to lower the network’s gas fees. The MATIC tokens are used to pay for services on Polygon.
  • Why did you buy Polygon (MATIC)? – The gas prices are too damn high!
  • How much Polygon (MATIC) did you buy? – 14.67 MATIC @ 0.87794771 MATIC per 1 USDT or ~16.7094234 USDT (~$20.13 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – For real, though, Ethereum’s gas prices are insane. SOMEBODY, better figure out a solution soon or Ethereum is going to crash hard.
Ripple (XRP)
  • What is Ripple (XRP)? – Ripple is a currency exchange and remittance network that aims to increase the speed and reduce the fees for global money transfers.
  • Why did you buy Ripple (XRP)? – Why are our world’s money transfer systems so old and decrepit? Someone should really do something about that.
  • How much Ripple (XRP) did you buy? – 21.28 XRP @ 1.2796413 XRP per 1 USDT or ~16.62966032 USDT (~$20.04 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – Ripple is quite possibly in a lot of trouble with the SEC over XRP and could possibly get shut down, but, hey, I like to live dangerously.
  • What is SHIBA INU (SHIB)? – SHIBA INU is a joke coin invented to make fun of DOGE. We’re getting more granular with our dog coins and making ones for specific breeds now.
  • Why did you buy SHIBA INU (SHIB)? – *LOL* SHIBE
  • How much SHIBA INU (SHIB) did you buy? – 1994017 SHIB @ 120192.3 SHIB per 1 USDT or ~16.59022144 USDT (~$19.99 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – This was probably a bad idea. Shiba Inu is 100% a joke meme coin with no practical use, other than pumping and dumping. Ah well, some people hit the craps tables, I spend $20 on a meme coin.
Stellar Lumens (XLM)
  • What is Stellar Lumens (XLM)? – Stellar Lumens is very similar to Ripple, in fact it’s a hard fork of off Ripple’s protocol. Lumes are the currency used to pay for services on the Stellar Lumens network.
  • Why did you buy Stellar Lumens (XLM)? – Who doesn’t like DeFi?
  • How much Stellar Lumens (XLM) did you buy? – 47.7 XLM @ 2.8742735 XLM per 1 USDT or ~16.5954978 USDT (~$20.00 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – How long until Stellar Lumens gets in trouble with the SEC too?
Sushi (SUSHI)
  • What is Sushi (SUSHI)? – SushiSwap is a cryptocurrency exchange that is a fork off of Uniswap in the Ethereum network. They’re almost identical except SUSHI token can still be farm while UNI token can not. Sushi is the currency used to pay fees on exchange.
  • Why did you buy Sushi (SUSHI)? – I eat grocery store sushi far more often than I should. I’m going to get parasites or something.
  • How much Sushi (SUSHI) did you buy? – 1.8264 SUSHI @ 0.11100479 SUSHI per 1 USDT or ~16.45334357 USDT (~$19.83 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – I wonder how many of these token exchanges are actually going to survive long-term?
Theta Token (THETA)
  • What is Theta Token (THETA)? – Theta is a decentralized video streaming solution utilizing P2P and Theta token is the currency used for paying for things on it. Users are awarded Theta Token for provided their bandwidth to the network.
  • Why did you buy Theta Token (THETA)? – YouTube definitely needs a legitimate alternative. Google (Alphabet) controls far too much of the internet’s infrastructure and narrative.
  • How much Theta Token (THETA) did you buy? – 2.766 THETA @ 5.991 THETA per 1 USDT or ~16.571106 USDT (~$19.97 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – I haven’t actually ever watched a video on the Theta network yet. Whoops.
Uniswap (UNI)
  • What is Uniswap (UNI)? – Uniswap is a cryptocurrency exchange and DeFi provided. UNI is the currency used to pay for fees on UniSwap and award people who provide liquidity to the network.
  • Why did you buy Uniswap (UNI)? – Unicorns are pretty and majestic. Why wouldn’t you trust a unicorn’s advice on trading meme coins?
  • How much Uniswap (UNI) did you buy? – 0.980807 UNI @ 0.05890704 UNI per 1 USDT or ~16.65008155 USDT (~$20.06 CAD)
  • Extra thoughts – UnicornSwap sounds like a service that rents out bisexuals for threesomes.
Final Extra Thoughts

This is probably a really bad idea. Why are you letting me do this? ALL OF YOU ARE COMPLICIT IN MY DOWNFALL!

An image of some chip dip with bitcoins in it. It has the words "BUY THE DIP" in impact font overtop it.